What is on Your Mind?

A Farmer walks into the local bar and sits down at the bar. The Farmer mumbles, "Some things I just can't explain."
The Bartender, who knows the Farmer as Jim, asks, "What do you mean Jim?".
"Well, you know my old cow Betsy? I was milking her this morning and out of the blue she knocks the pail of milk over with her right back leg. So I picked up a piece of rope laying nearby and cut me off a piece. I tied her leg to the post nearby, but some things I just can't explain," Jim said.
"Jim, What do you mean by that," the Bartender asks.
"Well, I commenced to milking her again and when the pail got half full she kicked it over with her left back leg. So I took the left over piece of rope and tied her other leg to another post, but some things I just can't explain," Jim added.
"Jim, tell me what it is you can't explain and I'll see if I can help," the Bartender said.
"Well, after that I went back to milking her and again I got the pail half full and I'll be darned if she didn't knock the pail over with her tail. Since I didn't have any more rope left I took off my belt and tied one end to her tail. Then I stood up on my stool and reached up to hook the buckle on a nail just above. About that time my pants fell to my ankles and my wife walks into the barn. That's what I can't explain."

* ROMANCEMATHEMATICS *
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

* OFFICE ARITHMETIC *
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

* SHOPPING MATH *
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for items that she doesn't need.

* GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS *
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

* HAPPINESS *
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

* LONGEVITY *
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

* PROPENSITY TO CHANGE *
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. **
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. **

* DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE *
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Please see the attachments!!!!!

Opportunity knocks....



A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"



The man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.



He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"



The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"

A woman awakes in the middle of the night. She finds her husband sitting in the kitchen, doing nothing, just staring out of the window. A tear runs down his cheek.

"What is the matter with you?", she asks.

"Do you remember", he answers, "when we met? You were just 16."

"Yes, of course."

"Do you remember, we made passionate love in the back seat of my car then?"

"Like it was yesterday."

"And you remember, your father caught us? He hold the barrel of his gun into my face and said: 'you either marry my daughter or face 20 years in prison!'"

"Yes, i remember that too."

"I was just thinking", he concludes, sobbing heavily, "today i would have been released."

bakunin

Okay, let's play the devil advocate...

Two aliens are talking together.

"So, you were on the planet Earth. How are those earthlings? Do you think, they have a chance to make it? Will they survive? I mean, they all look so primitive".

"Well, the one with the brain, I think they could make it. But the one with the testicles, I am not so sure..."

Based on a few user reports and requests, we have deleted a few jokes that were considered in "poor taste".

Please avoid posting jokes where the humor is simple "toilet humor" that is based on the "gross" or the discussion of certain body parts and smells, tastes, etc. I agree with the members who have contacted me and request you please refrain from simple "potty humor"...

Thanks!

PS: Please don't hesitate to report any post (including jokes here) you find offensive. Have fun, but let's keep the level of the jokes above elementary toilet humor.