Ok. I solved it. Finally. I looked at Coron886's code, and extrapolated what I needed from it into my project. Everything is working now. Thanks to everyone who participated.
Ok. First of all, thank you for not being a jerk. Like _a lot_ of people on stackoverflow.com or unix.stackexchange.com.. It's appreciated. I'm actually running this script off of a
Zipit Z2 (a very...